The Correction of My Ignorance

Miss Me?

Well, it's been a while and I have been through some things. There's no need to go into detail of the issues I'll just say I'm learning more and more by the day. It's hard to see flaws within myself, it's even more difficult for me to allow myself feel the damage of those flaws when my natural eyes are shut wide open.

I have these conversation with myself, I know it sounds crazy but I feel it a "beneficial task" to minister love and reproach to myself so I can accurately find the problem's solution! Oh... what a task it is and sometimes the inside is so ugly I don't want to face it but I'm currently determined to use my ignorance, insecurities, and flaws as a tool for self-discovery. There are things about me I don't even know about; however, I'm determined to find out! Ugly Things!

So, I wrote the following in the "About Me" section of MySpace. I kept typing even if it didn't make sense... I'm putting it in poetic form for you... enjoy:
I'm still a work in progress; a work being formed with every trial and tribulation set before me.

Every time I come unto a realization about life I am overcome with a greater notion...
THAT no matter how intellectual I become I am not exempt for error.

I like that...

I appreicate being human, I am blessed to know God..
He is my fortress, He makes sense of it all!
So
I stand stripped of all my understanding...
in waiting to be formed in the...

Correction
of
My
Ignorance

On These Things...

On Friday evening, I took my mother out to eat. We went to a great restaurant called, "Sweet Tomatoes" here in Fresno, California. At first I didn't want to go there (I was paying and I know they can be quite expensive, sorry, I'm frugal) but she talked me into going. There was an array of vegetable and they also had my favorite; clam chowder. It was actually the best I've eaten in years. I'm glad I went.

We got our table, sat, and arranged our meal in front of us. Napkins to the left, plates in front, bottled water to the right. Then silence was broken by a few stories of work and relationship. Then we talked. And giggled. And laughed. And joked. There were also some momentary pauses of silence. All in all, this was the single happiest moment of the last year. Not only did I get to spend time with the greatest woman on earth I got a chance to listen to some of the stories of her youth.

I heard stories of adventure and epic romances that took place years, months, and days before my birth. I heard stories of thievery, trickery, and hostility. There were tales of love, hate, and power. I was floored by these stories. Grand stories. Wonderful stories of her youth in periods of time when she was immensely different from the woman who sat in front of me, this regal woman with the power to bring God in the room with a whispering, "Hallelujah," use to be… dare I say it… naïve.

This was a great day for me. An awesome day. I don't want to over-analyze this day. I just wanted to share it with you. I love you and want you to be happy. And the best way for me to bring joy to you is for you to share in my happiness.

Today I challenge you to set aside the worries of this day and think about something, anything that makes you happy. No Bills. No Argument. No Worries. Do you remember these things? Who was the last person to make you laugh? Make you smile? Make you think good thoughts?

This is my challenge:

"Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

Maximize Your Moment

Power is the rate at which work is being done. It constitutes an effort, not of success, but of process. I'm currently getting acquainted with power and power is teaching me much about my current walk with the LORD and my efforts as a human being. It's funny; when I believe I've gotten to a point of massive understanding regarding life, GOD humbles me to a point of total restraint. Now, this restraint feels debilitating; yet, it isn't! God, in his infinite wisdom, teaches me how to maneuver in restricted and limited circumstance to maximize my true potential. He is AWESOME!

So, I'm learning how to maximize the moment...

What, you say? There are times in our lives when we have advantages in situations, which seem difficult; however, when we are given the opportunity to gather understanding in these "opportunities" in difficult situations (I believe) we need, not only to gain information, but maximize the amount of information we receive so that we have an abundance of understanding and not just an answer to our questions. I challenge you...

Maximize Your Moment!

This Day In History - I Won't Complain

1778
American Revolutionary War: Battle of Monmouth fought between the American Continental Army under George Washington and the British Army led by Sir Henry Clinton.

1894
Labor Day becomes an official holiday.

1964
Malcolm X forms the Organizations of Afro-American Unity.

1978
The United States Supreme Court, in Regents of the University of California vs. Bakke bars quota systems in college admissions but affirms the constitutionality of affirmative action programs giving an advantage to minorities.

1978
Darius Ewell Lane II was born to Darius and Linda Jane Lane, in El Paso, Texas at 2:33 a.m. at William Beaumont Center.

1988
The worst confined-space industrial accident in U.S. history occurs at a metal-plating plant in Auburn, Indiana, killing five.

1997
Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield II – Tyson is disqualified in the 3rd round for biting a piece from Holyfield's ear. (ouch)


What interest me most? My birthday is a day I celebrate grudgingly; nevertheless, it's an important day in U.S. history. Important things (and not so important things) happened, which shaped the very fiber of that country and I can say now (after a little research) I am proud to have been born on this day; furthermore, I feel bless to be alive in this hour.

It's odd!!! I'd been so fixated in my journey to find validation in my 20's, I'd missed out on a lot. I'm a little down today (just a little), but I'm o.k. It's seems I'd been 19 years old for all those years and one day last year I woke up in time to be knocking on 30. How depressing? The majority of my adulthood was developing the office of a "partier." (How much could I drink without passing out? Dancing until I was breathless? How much sex I could have without contracting something? etc) That I'd missed out on my 20's!!!!

HOWEVER, as you already know, GOD IS GOOD. He's so awesome and such a power force in my life I could simultaneously explode with laughter, tears, screaming, and running. I wanted to sit and complain about my aging process but I could enjoy my day. This is a day, which begins a year of goodbyes to being stupid and hellos to being blessed and productive. Guess what??? I made to my 29th birthday, without liver cancer, AIDS, or a hatred for my own life and I'm so blessed! Why? Because, I'm finally in love with me and there is no greater feeling in the world, except knowing that God loves me!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Until Next Time

Feels Just Like Heaven... What A Sunny Day!

The morning brings newness.

The morning brings mercies.

The morning brings possibilities.

How good is God to unfold his arms of supremacy and kindness, guiding a rising sun to be place in the heavens for your benefit? How good is God to step into HIS vision for your life and grant another merciful day for you to cultivate in the power of destiny? This destiny… your destiny begins in the morning.

Every morning holds the element of possibilities and attempts to love again… fight again… be whole again. Don't let the sun go down and rise again without paying homage to the invisible God of mercy and compassion. Don't let the sun rise on yesterday's regret and shame, for this morning you can start all over again. Somewhere on earth a man didn't wake up this morning. Last night a woman closed her eyes and drifted to the hereafter, but you woke up. You have a chance to shine just like the morning sun.

It's morning time on my side of the planet and I am happy I have a chance to be the man God's called me to be… flaws and all. And in the spirit of mercy and in the power of today's sunrise I bid you…

Good Morning!!!

A Song 4 You!!

We never seem to find balance in our lives because we busy ourselves in the structure of satisfying our taste for indulgence and spend little or no time searching the plan for our destiny. After we've done all we know how to do to teach people to treat us well, we seemed to be treated the similar, yet, in a different fashion. It's almost as if we restrict peace because confusion is so common in life we've become accustomed to it's presence. We literally friend restlessness to accommodate the craziness we have to live in. Maya Angelou, wrote, "the bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." Therefore I sing…


The harmony and melody of goodness is a song that should be playing on the cords of our souls. I've found my way of wording life is a gift and not a talent. It's a cathartic release of remedy for the world and a cushion under the hardheads of our flesh. I'm finding my voice is a not a talent, it is a gift and power unto itself and a beacon of hope in life's restless situations.

Knowing this I sing...

I sing to counteract the hysteria of the wants and drop a word of peace in the need.
I sing to love you and adore you because I know your greatness lies in your understanding and not in your satisfaction.
I sing this: you are not alone, I am here for you, because I am.

I'm am one that...
Understands you
Wants you to be all right
Wants you to prosper
Understands your struggle
Know your battles
Partakes in your suffering

I want to be your friend
I desire to be your confidant
Hope to be your brother
For I am always praying for you

So I sing a song for you
A song of sympathy
Not because I have the answer
BUT BECAUSE I HAVE A SONG

Swagga - A Random Thought

It's a blessing to be in a place of assurance!
To walk with confidence in the destiny set before us.
To swagger with a strut of formidable supremacy.
Many aim to satisfy the power within but are halted by circumstances in and out of their control…

But, there is beauty in mystery.
What Mystery?
The mystery of life gives us spontaneity and calms us in the pride we dare to maneuver with.
This mystery gives us an humbling satisfaction and controls our ambition...
Then strategically placing us in, what we now call...

"THE WILL!"

There is a will, you know?
And where there's a WILL there a way!

Dare to be strong!
Dare to be vigilant!
Dare to be humble!
Dare to be diligent!

Dare To Be You!

WILL You?

With Passion

A year ago today I made a decision setting my life on an alternate course of redemption and destiny. I said, "no more" to the plaguing problems and polluted parts in my life and set sail on a journey, which would change me forever. A year ago today I built the courage to leave my hometown and move to Sacramento and checked into rehab.

It's funny what a sober mind teaches especially when accustomed to daily alcoholic streaks and destined to die of either liver cancer or an S.T.D. A year ago today, I figure if I would die, I would die in the pursuit of happiness, so I left. I spent three weeks in a Christian rehabilitation center and came out set on the wings of power. I don't look at alcohol the same way.

It used to be my best friend but "What A Friend [I] Have in Jesus?" It was my confidant when the world around forgot I existed but God step in and shook me to the contents of my soul and said, "You are mine!" I'd been in a six-year marriage with alcohol but today we've been divorce for one-solid-year. And I'm blessed.

I'm blessed because my soul is free…

Greyhound Bus Ticket to Sacramento: $35.00
The Cost to Stay Drunk for the Night: $12.00
A Normal Sack of "Yessy!" $10.00

Being able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror: PRICELESS!!!

There are some things in life you pay for… for everything else there's Jesus.

A Number One, Please! Hold the Sanity...

Let's get real! How unorganized are we? We seem to have an innate awareness of life's mediocrity but when it comes to planning for the future our organizational techniques remain stagnated. How? Have you ever ordered anything from a fast-food joint or a restaurant and notice how absolutely fussy you are in ordering food? Case in point; when I go to McDonald's I tend to order the same thing: a number one with no pickles, fries with no salt, and a Coca-Cola with no ice! Weird, huh? Now ask me what I'm going to do next week on Tuesday or ask me when I'm going back to school to get my Accounting degree. (I still don't know… sue me.)

However…

If you notice… in my ordering… the word no appears three times. I've said no to the order taker (at McDonalds) on numerous occasions but can't seem to use the same word with the people who GET ON MY NERVES. Why is that? I'm human (really, that's the reason)!

As human our consumption of food takes precedence. We know EXACTLY what we'd like to eat (regardless of nutritional value), but when it really matters we become oblivious and indecisive. We are contradictors by nature, not because it conscious, but our planning and decisions making is motivated by our comfort, meaning, we don't want to be uncomfortable and unsatisfied so we make decisions according to our "right now" and not our happiness. This approach causes us to end up uncomfortable anyway. So, let's try to do this backwards. If we make decisions, which will cause us to be initially uncomfortable, maybe… just maybe, we'd end up satisfied in the long run, because that's what matter; the long run!

Would you like to be happy? Lord, knows (because I constantly pray so he does know…) how much I want to understand my own mind and find happiness in my decision-making. So people… I want you to make a conscious choice to pay attention to your decision making from here on out. It's important to learn how to make good decisions based on the weird decisions you make. I'm here to tell you that if my Big Mac can be adjusted to satisfy my taste buds, then my choices can be adjusted to accommodate my future.

In The Meanwhile

You may be wondering where I've been. Here goes...

After the death of Julie, I chilled. I sat back in remembrance of a woman who had brought such a joy to my life. I knew God bowed his head in sovereignty and made a decision basis on his will and I was content and pleased by his majesty. I know HE knows what he's doing; however, I'm easing into tomorrow with a stride of hesitation. I should have been prepared for what life gives. I was unaware that life had the capacity to throw my emotions into such a whirlwind of uncertainty, as it is now. Although, my employment couldn't be more prosperous (I've gotten a promotion, supervisor no less), my social life has taken another hit.

On Thursday, in a parked Saturn on the Southwestern region of my home city, a gun accidentally went off and shot a black male in the back possibly leaving him paralyzed from the midsection of his torso down… to his feet. This person is one of the most important people in my life and can be partial credited as a (main) reason I am as destiny-focused as I am. I've had a limited amount of sleep since Thursday because I've been at the hospital above trying to keep him company and give him some reassurance. Yet, he reassured me.

Yesterday, I was sitting by his bedside apparently spaced out thinking of how I was going to prioritize my life, not only to accommodate me, but him also. There is no question my life is going on hold to help him become an independent man, I owe him that much. Noticing my reflective look on my face he asked me what I was thinking about. I told him how I felt without explaining too much to make him worry. Then he opened his mouth and startled me with a divine concept he'd receive years ago and now understands. He proceeded to tell me to wait… in the meanwhile.

An amazing and brief statement of confidence sent my mind into overdrive. I, first, was trying to figure out how a man, who was shot four days ago and possibly never going to walk again, could take his focus from his obstacles and reach into MY soul placing a nugget of truth such as… in the meanwhile. The …in the meanwhile notion, he indicated, was a point of waiting and NOT asking God to fix the problem, but fix ME in the problem.

It's where prayer, supplication, self-awareness, and reality collide to create a moment of serenity; an interval of supreme quiet; a period of universal oneness and is wrapped neatly in God's will and called… in the meanwhile.

So… I'm just going to wait and see what God has to say… and chill, cry, weep, laugh, scream, yell, and praise his holy name…and wait…

In The Meanwhile.

Failure's Sequal To Previous

It's confusing how mankind submits to stupidity in order to be validated by another person. We've all done remarkable things to obtain Eden but sometimes we go back to our old way of thinking just to be kissed, or hugged, or comforted. It's not a bad feeling to desire companionship but mistakes begins by the procedures we use to manufacture a soul mate. Of late I've attempted to bring back a previous relationship and in this undertaking I've discovered the true meaning of the word previous. It has helped me.

We all know I can be the dumbest person on the planet sometimes. I'm not saying I'm stupid. I AM a sound gentleman and I have deep appreciation for the amazing things God has done; on the other hand, in bizarre moments of the day I become the Mayor of Dumbville. Guess what? I was about to build a new relationship using its old foundation. In this I neglected reality. The old foundation had failed me previously and I was in the beginning steps of redeveloping an already unsuccessful relationship.

The word previous means 'had been' which represents past-tense events. The expression past-tense is defined as a 'previous course of action' or a 'prior circuit of physical energy' no longer here in the present time. So, if a relationship grows to be previous this means it no longer survived and/or has worn out its substantial energy. In physics, energy is neither created nor destroyed but transferred from one body to the next. So, when a relationship becomes previous energy it has bent its supremacy and becomes failure.

If a break-up was uneven, of friendliness, by natural disaster, or a joint agreement its failure regardless of the circumstances surrounding the ending. When any growth stops its reliability it is failure. Failure isn't bad at all, in fact, failure is good. FAILURE IS NOT FATAL, but failure to CHANGE can be. When we try to restore previous relationships one of two things are happening: either by emotional command you are conjuring the rebirth of failure or failure has broken time-space continuum and has evolved from past-tense to present-tense.

Needless to say I will not redevelop that old relationship, I am and will no longer be slave to the failure of my yesterday. I'm glad I had a chance to see my past with a sober mind. When my relationship with alcoholism ceased then many occurrences halted. Perpetual stupidity is one of them. I'm not afraid of failing at all. I invite failure. But I refuse to build a new house with old tools.

Until Next Time!

Juliana Iris Schooler (1962-2007) R.I.P.

Everyone called her Julie.

I discovered her name was Juliana at her funeral today. Weird, huh? I've known her for the better part of five years and didn't know her name was Juliana. She was still my friend.
I remember when...
We'd go to her sister Janine's house and get drunk. We'd get so drunk it was ridiculous. When I say drunk I mean we multiplied it by some sort of a buzz, took the word inebriated and divide it into an astronomical percentage. So we would be somewhere around: [drunk*buzz]+[inebriated/532%] and still you would have to give or take a percentage. LOL! Good times...

Julie and me sang together when we were drunk. You couldn't tell us we didn't sound awesome. Shirley Murdock's As We Lay was our song. She'd sing soprano. I'd sing tenor. We'd sing in harmony. In tune and with a beautiful pace. We complimented each other.

I was at Juliana's funeral today...
Her lifeless body was in a casket
Her casket was white
Her dressed matched her casket
Her casket sat in the front of the sanctuary
The sanctuary bowed at this moment
I cried more than I thought I would
Not because she died
Everyone dies
I know this...
I know Julie's time was expired
God's timing is omnipotent
I'm going to see her again
I know it
I
Cried
For my time on earth is going to be saddened by this question:
Who's going to sing with me?

Fall in Line - Don't Be SKuRed!!!

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love."

Fall in line

No cowards in our fleets

Drying tears for civilians

It's too late to retreat

Breathe a breath of goodwill

Exhale strength for this time

Be complete for the kick

'Cause we're on the frontline

Fall in line

They've past their decoys

Observation is defense

Who are men? Who are boys?

Stick your chest out in courage

Give your life a farewell

We're celestial in order

Albeit war is our Hell

Fall in line

It's placed in our hands

The value is proven

Accept your command

You must heed to instructions

Please, don't count up the lost

Freedom shall be ours

Yet it comes with a cost

Fall in line

Warfare has begun

The fights in high alert

And the enemy is come

Is our weapons outfitted?

Our itch in control?

They approach us in gambles

Casting lots for our souls!!!

Fear and torment have an allied relationship and this alliance is a hostile force against love. Love is so aggravated by fear it has a violent reaction and eliminates fear at the point of impact. Why? Love constitutes wholeness and is contrary to fear because fear is incomplete of good sense but love knows all things and covers all things.

Life is a struggle of confusion in spirituality and validation. We must find clarity of love in our minds when our circumstances seem hard. If we operate in love when fear finds it's way into our lives, we have found True Bravery!

It Crumbles

There are moments in my day I feel unaccomplished and displeased as I've looked back over my life and wonder where the time went. I still remember being in drunken stupors, calling people at three o'clock in the morning talking about zilch. Sobbing about everything and nothing at all. Crying because I felt alone on an overpopulated planet. Hurt because I wanted one person to understand me without fancying something in return. It seemed I was always needed but never wanted. Always called but never comforted. Always somewhere but going nowhere.

The memories of my last relationship are filled with broken hearts and co-dependency mixed with malt liquor and dime sacks. I couldn't function in that time. I tried but I couldn't. We loved each other. We did. It wasn't enough to make it work. I wanted to make it work. It didn't work. Alcohol, insecurity, envy, marijuana, and foolishness are not enough to keep a relationship together. I've learned the hard way. A painful way. I've learned in ways no human should be educated. It almost cost me my life.

After a brief stint in a Sacramento rehab center through time away with God I discover true love. It was in the hands that wipe the tears of shame from my face those lonely nights. It was in the mind that dreamed dreams of success and wrote songs of devotion. It was in the little child who wasn't picked first in anything. It was in the intellect of a great man. It was in me. I was true love. I was the best for me.

God developed me into greatest from that experience. I became wanted without the use of my body. Desired without the lust. Called and comforted all at once. I became worth it. Why am I telling you this? I know someone's hurting and going through pain that seems forever. I just want to tell you I understand…

And I'm praying for you!

P.S. There are many people to thank for my recovery. They know who they are. Some don't even know how much they've helped. Some do. I'm praying for you anyway. (Check the punctuation)

Love You!!!

Until Next Time!!!

Sharing The King's Thunder

There is research that says most humans don't recognize their true potential of power until eighty years old if there blessed to make that age. When we are younger we are custom-made and self-taught to becoming relaxed in our present situations that we don't recognize power until it's too late to do anything about it.

What if we tap into that power this very second?

What if the visions of success we hold in our minds are reachable? Then we can, not only do, but perform amazing achievements; correct?

Let me ask you some questions: What is it that you want to do? Want to achieve? Want to happen? Why hasn't it happened? Do you want to know why? You're getting in your own way. You won't give yourself a shot for greatness. You are so scared of failing to succeed; you're succeeding at failing. We have all these dreams in our minds and we want them to come to pass but we don't get out of our own way. Are you scared? I know I am! Well, that's the perfect place to be. Courage isn't marching into battle with bravery. Courage is being scared and going into battle anyway. There is a greater good at work. A Greater God!!!

See, the dream of Martin Luther King Jr. was a vision from the Almighty God. Dr. King indicated he'd 'been to the promise land' meaning, he'd enter a heavenly doorway to see the magnificence of paradise; he beheld a tomorrow of equal opportunity and togetherness; he interacted with the future of humanity and came out of that vision with a new outlook on power! Power is not only effort, but also how much sweat you put into making your dream come to life. Power is working at an accelerated rate to accomplish an impossible task with courage under fire. By the power of Dr. King's death We Are Living His Dream!

Now it's time for your dream! I don't care how stupid you may feel your dream maybe. People, if you're dreaming a dream, then dream it to life. You have the ability to conquer great things. Malcolm X said a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Why? The mind holds the power to change the world. Use it!

Until Next Time!

Failure?

It's rare in life to have a relationship with God; furthermore, the depth of your relationship with HIM depends on how well you can preserve in painful situations. I love that God uses situations in life to let you know the battle is not over. Usually when hurt comes into my life I would look into myself and try to find what I can do to make the situations right. It's not uncommon for me to enter into a state of insecurity and question my life, my looks, and my challenges. I've never really liked myself; I'd wish I had a different personality at times. Now, I guess I have to deal with it. I guess I have to enter this change of my life with a different mind-set; I'm worth it.

God is infinite; there is enough of HIM to go around even when the ones you love don't care to share themselves. I'm learning this concept slowly but surely. It's hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes and see the person I've become. It's even harder when I'm rejected because of the very thing I don't like about myself. I'm just in a state of pain and confusion right now. Thank God for his relationship! If I didn't have HIM I'd probably be drinking again. I've made a vow to myself and God to run…

Run with patience and strength,

Look beyond my adversity and see triumph.

Run with diligence and love,

Fight the good fight with the help of understanding.

Run with heart and soul,

Continuing to become a testimony of perseverance.

Just Run…

And not look back!

When all else fails I don't have anyone but God and me. With all of my insecurities and pain, baby, I'm gonna run because when I fail I know there is no failure in God!!!!

Until Next Time!

Blessed Be!!!