The Uselessness of Anger

So, I go to CVS to do a little couponing (not a great deal) and since it's Sunday I know new coupons are coming. 

I stand at the entrance and go through the Sunday paper to verify the coupons are there. Since coupons are the main objective for the paper's purchase I want to make sure every insert is in there. I'm there for about five minutes. From the corner of my eye I can see the cashier looking at me. "Can I help you sir?" 

"No," I snapped. "I'm fine." She was already ringing up a customer and worried about the casually dressed black man at the entrance. If I were to steal these papers she couldn't catch me? Pay attention to your customer I thought. This angered me.

I carefully chose 3 papers, she rung me up. I was OBVIOUS irritated by her unspoken implications and I wanted her to see it. I didn't even say hello I was so irritable. I snatched my purchases off the counter and aggressively exited the store. 

By the time I get to the parking lot of my apartment I found my wallet missing. I checked my seat, my pockets, my bags and then checked out of security. I freaked out. My emotion shifted from anger to fear. All things important were in my wallet. I drive back to CVS it's not there but I finally found my wallet by the door of the passenger's seat. I was relieved.

It hit me in that moment. Anger is not a useful emotion, it is not employable, it is not productive. Had I not assumed the implications of the cashier and merely replied, "I'm making sure all the coupons are here," she would have understand why I was at the door and I would have never entered into that realm of frustration.

Had I NOT been anger... I would have been conscious.

Ode To My Loneliness

I found out in this moment not many things frightens me more than someone threatening the convenience of my life, someone needing me beyond the capacity of my willingness or having to operate beyond that willingness' capacity.  

I like my loneliness because my loneliness belongs to me and nobody else.  I'm not alone because someone walked out on me, I'm alone because I find pleasure in my own company; I choose me.  

If I've not learned anything else from the observation of other's relationships with spouses, children, coworkers and friends (even my own friends) is that the earnest prayer of my life is to never need someone beyond the limitation of my own happiness.  And this is why I like being alone because alone is the poem to my soul's satisfaction.  

Their Eyes Were Watching God [Excerpt]

"The wind came back with triple fury, and put out the light for the last time.  They sat in the company with the other in other shanties, their eyes straining against crude wall and their souls asking if He meant to measure their puny might against His.  They seemed to be staring at the dark, but their eyes were watching God." 

Probably the best passage in literary history!  :)  

The Expiration Date

In our lives some people have expiration dates; the relationship has spoiled.  And just as anything with an expiration date we tend to examine the possibility of extending this date which has been mark for the purpose of keeping us safe.  We must LET GO of the thins that are no longer useful.  Yes, we "feel bad" when we have to sever relationships, but to maintain an expired relationship will eventually cause illness.

The Descent

 My love lingers a desperate aroma,

Haven't the faintest why.

My visions are of white dressed cakes, a moon of gold honey

and children possibly. 

Death comes later!

A sharing perhaps.

I long to see your heart agree.

Probably not.

So sits me and my thoughts... hopes also.

Can I find someone like you?

Who makes me think of them as well...

Before the aftermath. 

The Car Accident

There was a fire truck. Two ambulance. Seven police cars. Twenty-eight bystanders. An overturned big rig. Fifteen cars, single file. And a grieving husband. 

 

Serena laid ten feet away unresponsive on a white gurney. Four medics hustling to revive her while her husband, Marshall examined the confusion from where he laid. There was vainness in the labor of their hands, the work worked to no avail. Only a quick moan. An M sound as if she was singing in a key. When Marshall heard it, he lifted his head. Her moan gave him hope. Though hope quickly died the instant her moaning stopped. A calming occurred. Twenty minute passed and so did she. From his own laying position he understood the woman he'd married near the Gulf of Mexico in the summer of '76, was now dead. Not because he'd saw her die, but the gestures of the four medics surrounded her started at the base of a frantic search to bring her to consciousness to muffled halt of surrender. It was over. Heads shook and bowed. Once the medic with the gray eyes turned to the other and he said, "Call it." The other medic looked at his watch and said, "Two-thirteen." And Marshall heard.

“Serenaaaaah.”  Marshall screeched with the terror of a small kitten stretching, both hands towards her to hug her but couldn't for his body would allow him the benefit. Crying so deep that it settled in his wounds and the tears made it difficult for him to see within reality. When he looked on his wife, he looked into the void of helplessness. Two of the four medics walked towards Marshall and he attempted to look around them. The two left with Serena began to zipped in a black bag over her body. 

"Wait," Marshall said. Right before her head was enclosed. 

"Don't move Mr. Morris." The medic with the gray eyes instructed.

"Let me see her."

 "Don't move Mr. Morris."

"Let me see her."

The gray eyed medic motion for the two left with Serena, who wheeled her slowly towards Marshall. He looked to his left, Marshall did. The black bag was fastened to her chest and he followed the zipper with his eyes until he met her eyes, bone wide and chilling. He breathed deeply and felt a new pain. Not from the gash in head nor the bruise in his shoulder. Physical pain was one thing but the pain of knowing death met him at his love was unresting.  Marshall looked upon the bag embracing the one he'd made love to and thought about the child she carried and waved his hand in the air. One layer of black covering above two dead lights never to see the light of life again. He screamed again. And they wheeled her out of sight.

“Mr. Sanders please calm down.” The gray eyed medic must have been in charge. He did the instructing. Nodding his head towards another who pulled out a stethoscope and pointed to the other then at the ambulance. That medic ran immediately and slid the back of the ambulance door open. And the gray eyed medic said, "We're doing everything we can."

“Calm down?” Marshall asked for no answer. "Don't tell me shit." Bending the wheels of the small white bed Marshall laid upon, two medics slid him in the ambulance. Three medics accompanied Marshall but not the one with the gray eyes. While the door of the ambulance closed he saw the gray eyed medic standing outside softly gazing at only him when the door closed a shadow of the sheltered ambulance gifted an awful feeling. As if he was going to miss the gray eyed medic. But it wasn't that. Perhaps it was the closing of the ambulance door. Or maybe the chill of the metal objects violating the rips of his skin. But when his body jerked from the attention he'd notice his legs hadn't moved.

"I can't feel my legs," Marshall Senior said.

"We're doing everything we can," the medic said. "You just have to calm down."

"Calm down?" Marshall Senior fanned away an oxygen mask, "I can't feel my le--" -- he suffered through two shallow breaths, violently threw his head back, turned a shade darker and stopped breathing at once.

Opposite Side Of Prayer

How my heart felt? I hadn't the know-how to express because if my words met your maturity, had you the know-how to understand with clear understanding? I thought quite possibly.  And determined as long as my words borrowed the language from logical [and not emotions] you'd be foolish to take them any other way but clear.  

Then I had an epiphany:

Logical becomes the interpreter of a heart when the heart speaks in confusion. 

And so it stands that...

...in the beginning our eyes met and became comfortable.

And that comfort was with love.

And this comfort was love!

Over grits and pancakes that first night I had no clear understanding why I sat perfectly still and calm on one side of the table looking at you, but my inside burned a dancing tango conducted by my heartbeat; quickened and loud. And this dance overshadowed the night, for even in sleeping my heart found no rest [quiet as its kept, if rest found my heart it would only avoid, dancing around it] trying to get to you...

Two day later, we kissed.

Our kiss was electric with heat similar to something cosmic.

Burning my consciousness then created a enlightened memory.

A miracle...

What miracle? The melting of an iced heart of bitterness. My icy bitterness.

I trusted few until you... :)

And when love was made I met perfection.

Perfect love quietly engaged, communicating only through the soft chatter and harsh whispers.

You loved me.

Perfection continued when we spoke of the whatness of God...

...the universe and its process.

...the Spirit and its progress.

...the Almighty and HIS deliverance.

You perceive without saying.

For even in nakedness our spirit bore witness of each other.

Perfectly...

You betrothed my wisdom one day and I gladly said I do the next.

While you accessed my love for God through my embrace, I looked upon all the love we made and said that 'it was good.'

I may not agree but I get it...

God tells you to love me from a distance now.

You prayed to say yes only to God and this yes built a wall.

On one side your answer and the other mine. 

You know I prayed too...

I prayed...

to be wanted.

to be kissed.

to be held.

For my lover to understand my love for the Father.

Understand my unspeakable joy...

I prayed for a helpmeet...

And as soon as I stopped looking...

God sent me you and place you on the opposite side of my prayer.

Rolling In The Deep [@B_Ames Remix] | Adele

Words couldn't articulate my pride or my love for his music. His treatment of his mixes is similar to my approach to writing; intentional and personal. He's easily a remix genius and I also consider him a friend.

Last week came and settled and B. Ames sent an urgent request via tweeter for me to hear his new remix. I was at work working and had to wait until I had time. So when my break came, straightaway I bolted to the game room with my headphones around the back of my neck. I sat at one of the three computer, began to listen and got a little emotional. I was NOT close to tears but in revelation.

This new remix Rolling In The Deep featured a evident sample of Vanessa Williams' The Right Stuff.


Where's the revelation? Well, a month prior I'd wondered how it would sound if B. Ames remixed this very song. And then he weaves it into an Adele mix? Can someone say 'law of attraction?'

Of the MILLIONS of songs. Out of the multitude of closeable tunes. Of, not only, all the song ever created [let alone the amount of songs Vanessa Williams has recorded], he remixed the one song I mysteriously desire in my heart. :)

Talk about amazing!

Jeremih Motivation [ft. Kelly Rowland & Lil Wayne] [#Remix]

This has to be one of the most sexiest remixes ever!

I loved the original.

I didn't think the remix could be AS sexy.

Future Happiness

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present." - Jim Rohn

It's A Sin?

Oh, this was soooooo funny to me!

Encourage Yourself - Donald Lawrence

Generally, I would construct a long drawn out blog.  A testimony of why this song is so beautiful but today I'm gonna let the song speak for itself. 

Dangerous Mediocrity

 

There's danger in saying 'yes' to mediocrity. When one determines you to be an option, you hold a deprecated importance. Something like day old bread. :) 

 Know Your Worth!

I LOVE MY #EVO

THIS PHONE IS PURE HEAVEN! 

Run The World (Girls) [@B_Ames Remix] | Beyoncé

OF COURSE B. AMES SLAYED IT!

Just as with Nicki Minaj's "Massive Attack" he made me like this song!
And so I made a video for it!